Monday, January 31, 2011

Things You Learn When You Have a Squirrel In Your Attic

1. Putting a drop ceiling in the closet where the attic access is will actually cause your husband to forget it's there, making him crawl around the top of the house in icy weather looking for the hole the squirrel got in so he can toss a squirrel bomb in it.

2. Laughing hysterically at him when he pops the ceiling panel and finds, despite his loud and vulgar protests, that the access does exist does not endear you to him.

3. The joists surrounding the attic access are 12", not the 6" your husband thought they were, so when he gives the bomb a hefty 10" toss it bounces off the joist and back into his face.

4. Squirrel bombs have shut offs for just such stupid mistakes. They will, however, spray liberally in your face while you desperately hunt for it.

5. When your husband comes staggering out of a room coughing and choking because he just dropped a squirrel bomb in his own face, perhaps it would be nice to yell "ARE YOU OKAY?" before you yell "OMG THE HEDGEHOGS!!" and shove him aside to get into the room yourself.

6. We can completely evacuate the hedgehog room in under 3 minutes, even while choking so hard we fear throwing up on a cage. This does not include the meal worms, whom we both forgot.

7. The official medical prognosis for someone who's lungs are on fire from inhaling squirrel bomb juice is, and I quote the doctor: "'re just gonna have to wait that out."

8. Birds in rooms next to where a squirrel bomb has accidentally been dropped suffer no ill effects whatsoever. Hedgehogs in covered cages quickly removed from a room where a squirrel bomb has accidentally been dropped suffer no ill effects whatsoever. The meal worms who where actually abandoned and left to die in the room where a squirrel bomb was accidentally dropped suffered no freaking ill effects whatsoever. The humans who accidentally dropped the bomb and then pulled all the hedgies out of the room think they are going to die, and cough until they throw up.

9. Turns out the hole the squirrel used to get into the attic was in a nice, easy to access, sheltered place in the carport. Tossing a squirrel bomb in that way would have been safer, easier, and less damaging.

10. Squirrels don't care how you get the bomb in their attic, they just get pissed when you do, and they will chatter at you every time you walk to and from your car. It's only a matter of time before they start throwing nuts.

No comments:

Post a Comment