Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Have a Squirrel in My Attic

To those of you who know me well and are currently looking very innocent and muttering "just one?", hush. I mean I have a real rat dressed in a boa chewing up my attic. It's probably destroying the entire house, but where I hear it the most is RIGHT ABOVE MY DESK! I can hear its nasty little teeth doing irreparable damage to my house whilst trying to get stuff accomplished, which means nothing is getting accomplished but me beating on the ceiling with various objects.

If you are a squirrel lover...Good for you! I actually think squirrels are fine. As long as they are running around OUTSIDE among the trees and flowers, God bless them. Once in my attic, however, they become disease ridden demon-beasts whose sole purpose in life is to destroy my home and piece of mind.

Let me give you an example: A giraffe in the wild is a graceful, beautiful animal. The long neck, the delicate mouth, the large expressive eyes. Put it in a house, however, and it suddenly becomes a life threatening mass of destruction, sharp hooves flailing madly on your wooden floors, long, massive neck knocking pictures and artwork off the walls. You just wouldn't be able to open the door and let it back outside fast enough!

And to those of you who say "But you have a pig in the house!" Yes, yes I do. But the pig does not have a long, flailing neck. So there.

Where was I? Oh, yes: Freaking Squirrel. So...we have a spare chunk of drywall in the basement just waiting to be used for repairs. In spite of this my husband was very against me shooting the squirrel through the ceiling with a shotgun. (For those of you who remember the mouse incident...floor is fine. Thanks for asking.) He managed to talk me out of it when he pointed out the drywall dust that would get on my desk. I'd have to clean my desk off first, and that ain't gonna happen.

My next thought was to inject something through the ceiling that would smell bad to the fox pee. Hubby was very against this also. His arguments, which consisted mostly of sputtering and 'ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?' didn't have much of an impact on me, but I soon realized that, if you had to catch a fox to make it pee...what the hell! Just toss the fox up into the attic! Take that squirrel! Enjoy lunch, fox! Win, win for me...AND the fox.

Hubby wants to try a squirrel bomb first. Since he was able to locate a bomb faster than I was able to locate a fox, I'll let him try his first. I think my methods would work better, but at least I know what my next blog is going to be about.

Meanwhile, if anyone sees a fox, please let me know.

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