Things You Learn When You Have a Squirrel In Your Attic

1. Putting a drop ceiling in the closet where the attic access is will actually cause your husband to forget it's there, making him crawl around the top of the house in icy weather looking for the hole the squirrel got in so he can toss a squirrel bomb in it.

2. Laughing hysterically at him when he pops the ceiling panel and finds, despite his loud and vulgar protests, that the access does exist does not endear you to him.

3. The joists surrounding the attic access are 12", not the 6" your husband thought they were, so when he gives the bomb a hefty 10" toss it bounces off the joist and back into his face.

4. Squirrel bombs have shut offs for just such stupid mistakes. They will, however, spray liberally in your face while you desperately hunt for it.

5. When your husband comes staggering out of a room coughing and choking because he just dropped a squirrel bomb in his own face, perhaps it would be nice to yell "ARE YOU OKAY?" before you yell "OMG THE HEDGEHOGS!!" and shove him aside to get into the room yourself.

6. We can completely evacuate the hedgehog room in under 3 minutes, even while choking so hard we fear throwing up on a cage. This does not include the meal worms, whom we both forgot.

7. The official medical prognosis for someone who's lungs are on fire from inhaling squirrel bomb juice is, and I quote the doctor: "Yeah....you're just gonna have to wait that out."

8. Birds in rooms next to where a squirrel bomb has accidentally been dropped suffer no ill effects whatsoever. Hedgehogs in covered cages quickly removed from a room where a squirrel bomb has accidentally been dropped suffer no ill effects whatsoever. The meal worms who where actually abandoned and left to die in the room where a squirrel bomb was accidentally dropped suffered no freaking ill effects whatsoever. The humans who accidentally dropped the bomb and then pulled all the hedgies out of the room think they are going to die, and cough until they throw up.

9. Turns out the hole the squirrel used to get into the attic was in a nice, easy to access, sheltered place in the carport. Tossing a squirrel bomb in that way would have been safer, easier, and less damaging.

10. Squirrels don't care how you get the bomb in their attic, they just get pissed when you do, and they will chatter at you every time you walk to and from your car. It's only a matter of time before they start throwing nuts.

I Have a Squirrel in My Attic

To those of you who know me well and are currently looking very innocent and muttering "just one?", hush. I mean I have a real rat dressed in a boa chewing up my attic. It's probably destroying the entire house, but where I hear it the most is RIGHT ABOVE MY DESK! I can hear its nasty little teeth doing irreparable damage to my house whilst trying to get stuff accomplished, which means nothing is getting accomplished but me beating on the ceiling with various objects.

If you are a squirrel lover...Good for you! I actually think squirrels are fine. As long as they are running around OUTSIDE among the trees and flowers, God bless them. Once in my attic, however, they become disease ridden demon-beasts whose sole purpose in life is to destroy my home and piece of mind.

Let me give you an example: A giraffe in the wild is a graceful, beautiful animal. The long neck, the delicate mouth, the large expressive eyes. Put it in a house, however, and it suddenly becomes a life threatening mass of destruction, sharp hooves flailing madly on your wooden floors, long, massive neck knocking pictures and artwork off the walls. You just wouldn't be able to open the door and let it back outside fast enough!

And to those of you who say "But you have a pig in the house!" Yes, yes I do. But the pig does not have a long, flailing neck. So there.

Where was I? Oh, yes: Freaking Squirrel. So...we have a spare chunk of drywall in the basement just waiting to be used for repairs. In spite of this my husband was very against me shooting the squirrel through the ceiling with a shotgun. (For those of you who remember the mouse incident...floor is fine. Thanks for asking.) He managed to talk me out of it when he pointed out the drywall dust that would get on my desk. I'd have to clean my desk off first, and that ain't gonna happen.

My next thought was to inject something through the ceiling that would smell bad to the squirrel...like fox pee. Hubby was very against this also. His arguments, which consisted mostly of sputtering and 'ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?' didn't have much of an impact on me, but I soon realized that, if you had to catch a fox to make it pee...what the hell! Just toss the fox up into the attic! Take that squirrel! Enjoy lunch, fox! Win, win for me...AND the fox.

Hubby wants to try a squirrel bomb first. Since he was able to locate a bomb faster than I was able to locate a fox, I'll let him try his first. I think my methods would work better, but at least I know what my next blog is going to be about.

Meanwhile, if anyone sees a fox, please let me know.